Crazy meopausal rants part 1

 As many know, I lost my father to Covid on July 31. What most didn't know was that during this time I was also dealing with a cancer scare. 

It started off innocently. I mentioned something to my primary care doc in April. She said it sounded like something and sent me to a gyno. In May, the gyno and I were talking, she said it isn't nothing to worry about and anything else. I nonchalantly mentioned to her that I was having breakthrough bleeding between periods that starting about 8 months ago. She jumped on that like white on rice. When I walked out of the office I had 3 appointments scheduled.

In June I had a saline sonogram. That was fun.... Filled my uterus up with saline. They found a small polyp. After the procedure, she tells me "ok you can stand and get dressed." Um...... What about the 6 gallons of saline up in my uterus - I am thinking. She then says " you will drip some when you stand, it is ok." Drip???? It was more like the after effect of someone doing a cannonball in a pool. As I was squeezing my legs together to not "drip" and hobbling across the room to the corner to get dressed she so politely says "there are Kleenex to clean yourself up with." Yeah, Kleenex, saline water and doctor lube don't go together. 

Two weeks later I had to have a biopsy. In the doctors office. How bad could it be right???? So I assumed the position (women, you know this position. Open up and smile!) The doc say "Here comes a pinch." PINCH my butt!!! "Holy Mother of French Toast" I think there is an imprint of both my left foot and hand in the wall. My poor husband gave my his hand to hold. He at this time learned the error of giving his wedding ring hand. For the next one, he had switched hands. By the way the second "pinch" hurt just as bad. 

Shortly after this, in July, I had to have a D&C, part of the plan. 

Two weeks later the doctor called and said the results were not what she wanted but better than she thought. It was precancer so not cancer. She recommended a Gynecologist that specializes in cancer. 

Then July 31st. 

August 3rd I had my upper teeth implant put in. 

August 16 I met with the Oncologist Gyno. Scheduled a total hysterectomy for August 31. 

Pfizer shot 2 and stuff...

 Last week I received my second dose of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine. All was great until about 14 hours later. All of a sudden I was freezing AND burning at the same time. I took 1600 mg of ibuprofen and went to bed, covered by 4 heavy blankets and a Snuggie (lol.) Later on I took some of the blankets off. I knew my fever broke when I woke up and my bed was soaked in sweat. That fever and chills action took about 12 hours to work its was through my system. I slept an additional hour and then got up and went to work. The only other reaction I had was my arm had a red welt that was warm to the touch for about 5 days. Now there is no indication that I had anything there.  The after effects were not as bad as the first shot. My arm (and the arms of co-workers) hurt like the dickens for at least a week and a half after the first shot. Imagine walking through a Sheriff's dispatch office and seeing all the people rubbing and moving their arms. It was funny to look at, my it sucked because my arm hurt! 

Now that I have had both doses I feel a little better at going out. I don't feel like a sheeple because I believe that vaccines are good. I have had all my vaccines. With that said, I currently don't take the Flu shot. I don't take this shot because I have had it twice in which I became sick after, one time I had to work from home (I was at a different job) because it took everything to get up, work for 8 hours and go back to bed to sleep all night. I had the flu and I had it bad. With this second shot of the Covid vaccine I can plan to go see my father, whom I haven't seen in person in over a year. I do face-time him nightly when I work. 

Last night I went through some of my clothes in my closet. I am trying the KonMari method. It was kind of weird at first. Literally touching each piece of clothing in my closet to see if it gave me joy. I am shocked at how much didn't give me joy. In the donation pile it went after I thanked the item for the joy it gave me previously. Next weekend I plan on working on the pile of papers and boxes I have in my room. Hopefully the same method will work for me. I am pretty tired of my room looking like a dorm room (even though I am in college. lol) 

 I started a new meal plan. It is local. It is called ReBuilt Meals. They are based in Tampa. I am pretty excited to try them. This company allows for double protein and has a bunch of meals that is red meat based (which is good for someone with low iron, like myself.) I like the fact I can do the double protein, there is red meat and I can pick my items up every Monday, so I don't have to let them sit in the hot Florida sun. The pick up location is about 1.5 miles away from my husband's work so he will pick them up for me. Saves me $15 in shipping fees. I will let you all know how they are. 

One Love to all 

We must end fat shaming!

Lets talk about fat shaming. 

  Fat, heifer, cow, husky, chunky, chubby, plus size, large, etc... These are names that I have been called (sometimes I called myself those names!) This must stop. Not everyone is a smaller size. We are all not the same. Many of us obese (I hate that word!) people, have such negative views of ourselves because everywhere we look we seen skinner. We compare ourselves to the next heavy person near us and think "Do I look that big?" or "I would die if I was that big." I will bet that most larger people have tried almost if not every diet out there. I know I have. Weight Watchers, Keto, Atkins, Mediterranean, Nutra System, High fat, low fat, no fat, and the list goes on. These companies make a killing on the backs of chubby people. 

( https://asmbs.org/resources/estimate-of-bariatric-surgery-numbers ) Look at the above chart. Every year the number of people choosing gastric by pass has increased. These are people who took a healthy stomach and cut it, made it smaller or done something to it to prevent them from eating. Most likely because they felt insecure, hated being fat, didn't think they had any option. It is sad.  Gastric bypass costs about $23,000 where as a lap band costs about $15,000.

 I bring this up because I had an incident with a new doctor. I saw her twice and I will never see her again. She could not get passed my weight. (To make matters worse the scale could not weigh me correctly because the numbers didn't go that high.) I was so embarrassed.  First words out of her mouth after introducing herself were "Have you thought of weight loss surgery?" FIRST WORDS!!!! I told her no. I told her that in 7 months time I had lost almost 50 pounds. She said "Why don't you think about the surgery." I informed her that I knew people that did it and a lot of them gained their weight back and that weight brought friends. This still didn't satisfy her. She had me do some labs - non fasting. Since I am a glutton for punishment I did the labs and went 2 weeks later. **SIGH** Guess what. She asked me if I had thought about the surgery, again. She was shocked that my blood work was in normal levels, my cholesterol a little high ( I was eating a keto diet and that can happen.) No suggestions on diet, or weight loss, or exercise. She was stuck on me getting this surgery. I left her office in tears. I was embarrassed and heartbroken because it felt all the hard work I had done the previous 7 months meant nothing. 

So I did better. I got a new doctor. I met my new doctor last week. I love her. She congratulated me on my weight loss said it was something to be proud of. She was mortified of last doctors comments. Of course she had to weigh me. So off came the glasses, pockets emptied out, shoes off. Same type of nasty nasty scale. This time however, it was able to register my weight. I had lost over 50 pounds in a year. 

I don't know if Doctor A knew how hurtful her comments were, if she was trying a scare tactic or she was just a nasty unhappy person but in a way she helped me. Helped me realize that I need to stand up for myself. I need to stop looking at myself as a fat person and start looking at myself as A PERSON. 

Every day it is hard. I can't go into a regular store just yet to buy Women's sized clothes (ya know the PLUS section that is usually ugly out of style baggy clothing - because that is how all fat people want to dress. I mean hey, just send me to Omar the tent maker!) 

People don't realize that a larger person can be large and healthy or that a skinny person can be skinny and sick. 

High school in Ewa Beach, HI approx 110 lbs

                                           Feb/March  2021 between 300 but less than 400 lbs

I have struggled with my weight all of my adult life. After each of my two children I gained weight. I got a divorce, gained weight. I was in a very verbally and emotionally (sometimes physical) abusive relationship for 10 years. Guess what, I gained weight. I moved away from family. Yup, you guessed it I gained weight. In the 11 years I have been married I have gained over 200 hundred pounds - lost some, gained some back. It is a viscous cycle. 

I eat when I am: 

     Happy

     Depressed

     Lonely

     Bored

     On Vacation

     Watching TV 

     Playing video games

     Working

     Studying

     etc.... 

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Guess what, I see the numbers on the scale or I have experiences with people like Doctor A and I eat. Which causes me to gain weight. Which depresses me. Which causes me to eat. Which causes me to gain weight.... See where this is going. It is a viscous cycle. 

I am a food addict. When we see drug addicts we want to help them. Alcoholics we want to help them too. But a food addict, society makes fun of. Call them names "Hey Shamu, Sea World called. They want you back." I had a previous co-worker who would not sit next to me during a meeting because (her words) "She has a fat ass." I tried to play it off like it didn't hurt but inside I was breaking. I was ugly crying and embarrassed. Yes, my ass may hang over the sides of the chair but at least my soul is not ugly. These words I kept saying to myself in hopes of making myself feel better. It didn't. 

Recently I have been reading a book about Intermittent Fasting.  I kind of have been doing this on my own for the last few months, but alas, like normal I quit. But I have been going at it wrong. I was seeing it as a diet and not really a lifestyle. This is the first lifestyle book I have read and it really has hit home. 

I am not condoning or glorifying obesity (as it seems that if someone speaks out against fat shaming that is what they are doing.) I am condoning and glorifying being a decent human being. Everyone is fighting some type of battle. I know people that can not gain weight no matter how hard they try. They eat anything and everything they can. But no weight gain. I know people who have had surgery and gained their weight back and some that haven't gained it back. I know people that have used Weight Watchers and look amazing and did a great job. I know people who are just happy being them, no matter what their weight is. Slowly I am getting into the last group. I am not going to kill myself going on a restrictive type diet. I am going to be making a lifestyle change. I am going to try and remember that I am human and that I may stagger along the way but as long as I am happy with me, then screw what others think.  

So the girl over there in the corner looking at the models wishing that was her but thinking she is fat. Sister, I see you. You are a person. You are not defined by the number on the scale. The model you are looking at is air brushed and starving. 

To the guy over there looking at the body builder wishing it was him but thinking he is fat. Brother, I see you. You are a person. That body builder may not be as big as you think and he may even have had some help (you know what I mean.) You can set your mind to whatever you want and can reach your goals. I will cheer you on. 

****Please note: In no way am I bashing people that have done the Gastric surgery. It takes guts to go in to the hospital and have something done. Please know that I love you all and don't care what your weight is.****

Quick update: 

 Since February things have been hectic. Half of my house came down with Covid. Thankfully I was not one. My husband however, is still suffering effects of it. He has a cough that he can't get rid of now. 

I was lucky enough to have the Covid shot available through work.  Yesterday was my 2nd dose of the Pfizer shot. So far I have only experienced a sore arm (my other arm, where the lab took 9 vials of blood - normal lab work- hurts more!) My lovely husband, who thinks he is funny, states he is going to get me a sheep sticker for my Immunization card. 

I just completed my final exam for the Digital Forensic course I was taking. I received a 99%. YAY! I have decided I do not want to do digital forensics but instead I want to do Crime Scene Investigating so I have changed my course of study to that. I can't wait for my next class - Anatomy! 

Hubby and I had a staycation down in St. Pete. It was nice. No alarms to have to set. We did our own things on our own time (He did a lot of sleeping, I had less sleep than normal.) 

New year new me.

 So much has changed since my last post.  New grandbaby, new job, oldest got married, new teeth, started school. . 

Grandbaby number six was born in Oct. 2020.  It was the first little girl.  

New job is working for our local Sheriff's office. I am currently working on the switchboard. It is a lot of fun.  I was just released from training. Last night was my first shift without "training wheels." 

I went back to school in January.  I am going for an Associates degree in Digital Forensics.  Police work has always amazed me. 

I have decided to blog about my weight loss journey now.  I am slowly losing weight.  I got to the heaviest I have ever been. I was knocking on the door of 400 lbs. I knew I needed to do something about this.  I went to the doctor in September and all she kept saying was that I was heavy and that I needed to have surgery to lose weight.  I have never wanted to do the surgery.  It has worked for some, but the majority of the people I know gained back their weight and some even gained more than they loss. The weirdest thing was that in September I had already lost 20 pounds from where I was back in March. I advised her that I was not going to have surgery and that I will lose the weight on my own.  In July I had my teeth removed and implants put in.  I had to live on shakes and ice cream for a little bit.  I did gain 10 pounds of what I had lost.  Since November I slowly got back on track.  

I am currently following a Dirty Lazy Keto plan.  I enjoy this because if I want chocolate cake, I will eat chocolate cake. The biggest take away I have learned from ready Dirty Lazy Keto  is to eat in moderation. I can eat a piece of chocolate cake but I don't need to eat the WHOLE chocolate cake.  

With my job I have actually started also doing intermittent fasting. I try to aim for between 16 and 19 hours of fasting. This has actually been a great help to me along with a new addition I have added, pre made meals.

I am also using a service called Factor75.  I choose the Keto meals. I have 12 delivered every Tuesday. Tuesday is my cheat meal day. I take two meals to work each day.  This is the easiest for me as I don't take time to cook prior to work.  I like to just grab my food and go and on my days off I like to chill and watch movies or play video games. 

Here is are some of the meals I enjoyed last week. 

Sun dried tomato Chicken 

Chorizo Chili

I have now lost the 10 I had gained back and have lost a  total of  40 pounds. 

As for my implants.  I had to have the tops removed the Monday before I started my new job. I was so sad.  They did not take. So I had to have bone grafting done (my face swelled so much)  I finally get to go back (after 4 months) for a pre-op appointment on the 22nd and should have the uppers put back in hopefully in the first two weeks of March.